I came home from dinner with friends a few hours ago, and as we were sitting outside on my patio having drinks, I overheard a female complaining to (presumably) another person. Here are some exact quotes from said-female that I could hear from about 50 feet away, all of which are intermixed with bouts of sobbing and full-on crying:
1) I can’t understand why I’m not married. I mean…why? Why am I not married yet? I don’t understand.
2) I talked to my Dad about it, and he doesn’t get it either. He thinks I’m pretty, why don’t other guys?
3) Yeah, maybe I could stand to lose a few pounds.
4) I hate my parents. Except my Dad. [a few seconds of inaudible conversation pass by] And I don’t hate my Mom.
5) Fuck you! Fuck you, [inaudible]! Don’t you fuckin’ tell me what isn’t possible! (sound of breaking glass)
6) Oh my God, [inaudible]! Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean that to happen [inaudible]!
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If the woman who spoke the above words happens to read this, I’m here to help you. Below you’ll find my thoughts on each statement you made, and perhaps you’ll gain some insight regarding the inner-workings of the male mind.
1) I can’t understand why I’m not married. I mean…why? Why am I not married yet? I don’t understand.
Lying to yourself isn’t healthy. We both know why you’re single, so stop whining about it and set your sights on someone who you can realistically expect to see naked.
2) I talked to my Dad about it, and he doesn’t get it either. He thinks I’m pretty, why don’t other guys?
I do think you’re pretty, but only while in a poorly-lit bar. At 2:15 AM. On a Tuesday. Oh, and by the way, your Dad was just being polite.
3) Yeah, maybe I could stand to lose a few pounds.
Honesty is the best policy, and I’m glad to see you embracing it. Anyway, I’m also a bit overweight, which is why we are both still inside this bar at 2:15 AM on a Tuesday. It’s one of those unwritten rules of the bar that also applies to life in general: fat and ugly people only hook up due to a combination of desperation and a lack of options. Unless large sums of money are involved, then there are no rules.
4) I hate my parents. Except my Dad. [a few seconds of inaudible conversation pass by] And I don’t hate my Mom.
If you weren’t drunk when you made these statements, then it doesn’t matter what you look like. Look at Jessica Simpson: gorgeous and stupid, also single (last I heard, anyway).
5) Fuck you! Fuck you, [inaudible]! Don’t you fuckin’ tell me what isn’t possible! (sound of breaking glass)
6) Oh my God, [inaudible]! Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean that to happen [inaudible]!
Check, please. Gotta get out of here before she decides to throw something heavier than a pint glass.
Posted by Kyle 